Kyle Kissoff

William Wallace once said, “Could you crush a man with that throw?” Of course, most people attribute this quotation to the movie Braveheart, in which William Wallace refers to a hurling contest in 13th century Scotland. What few know is that William Wallace’s character is actually based off of our very own Kyle Kissoff, and not the Scottish knight of the late 1200s. This quotation in fact refers to a challenge that Kyle had initiated to the Aztecs in southern Mexico. As he watched the tiny men attempt to play a primitive (and lame) version of Ultimate with a stone disc, he showed his ridiculous skills; throwing a hammer, flick, and backhand, literally crushing one man with each toss.

Refusing to take his slave name given to him by his so-called “parents,” (which we can not disclose for confidentially purposes) he told them to “Kiss off!” and thus he was liberated at the age of 4 with a name that only he could live up too. From then on, he paved his own way by hitch-hiking along Route 66, hustling tourists with “Three Disc Monty,” a variation on the popular gambling game, in order to make money for booze (seeing as he needs no food or water to live). After the University of Michigan saw the house that he built out of discs, twigs, and sweat, they recruited him for the engineering school, and he naturally found himself on his way to magnUM.

Peregrine falcons dive at a whopping 217 miles per hour, using gravity and aerodynamics to their advantage. Kyle Kissoff spits in the faces of these fierce feathery fellow fowls, running with a speed of two peregrine falcons combined and ignoring gravity altogether, allowing him to circumvent the Oosterbaan in 21 seconds and finish by tapping the 50 foot high ceiling.

Today, with the same beautiful voice and never-lying hips of Shakira, Kyle provides magnUM with unending entertainment as well as “killer” moves on (and off) the field.